Confessions of a Control Freak as Life Spins Out of Control

Any day now.

While technically there is a lot more time than that, this pregnancy has been far from typical so I’m trying to mentally prepare myself that the birth of our little girl could happen at any time and we’d be in the more favorable timeframe for her arrival.

With this knowledge I find myself being bombarded with unknowns that I didn’t think I’d be wrestling with 20+ weeks ago…

*Will I have a normal, fairly easy delivery or will it be an emergency c-section?

*How will recovery go?  Will I be discharged with her before her journey to Children’s or will I have to stay across the pond?

*What surgeries will she need after birth?

*How will the other kids transition into the start of the school year with a baby in the hospital?

*Will the laundry get done?

*Is it possible that I fit back into my jeans by winter so I don’t have to get new ones? (I know, this might sound ridiculous, but it is a thought on the forefront of my mind as I struggle to pull even stretchy maternity clothes over the belly without wanting to pass out).

… all questions that have left me to realize that over the course of the next few months I have pretty much ZERO control over my life.  I am a control-freak by nature; it’s one of the faults of being a firstborn and thinking that, without me taking charge, the world will fall apart.

The problem is, in spite of my natural tendencies, I still have very little control over my life or the lives of my family.  Sure, I can make decisions that will hopefully direct their steps, but in the big scheme of things, I don’t have control over their outcomes.  And I fully admit to having mini-panic attacks about this. I try and talk myself down from the proverbial “ledge” and distract myself with other things (laundry, cleaning, Facebook, etc.), but the thoughts are always there, even if they’re shoved to the farthest, most remote parts of my brain.

But what good does it do for me to grasp at the straws of the future?  We’re not at delivery yet.  My kids haven’t started school yet.  Phoebe is warm and cozy, albeit squished, in my womb and doing fine.  So why do I trouble myself with what is unknown?

“So I tell you, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  –Matthew 6:34

“Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”                                                                                               –Matthew 6:27

Worrying is lame.  It accomplishes nothing other than making one become a nervous Nelly like Mrs. Bennett from Pride and Prejudice.  

Um, thanks, but no thanks. (This version of Pride and Prejudice by BBC is better than any other one on the planet.  It’s important you know that and that knowledge will make you a better person.  You’re welcome.)

In all seriousness, I’ve been wrestling during the calm before the storm.  I know in my head and my heart that trusting God’s goodness and His plan and His Kingship over everything will make the journey so much easier, and yet I STILL try to grab a bit of the reins, like I’m His co-pilot rather than the passenger of His plane for my life’s journey.  Why is that?!  Why do we think that the God who created the universe with a word needs our help in accomplishing His purposes for our lives?

“Don’t worry God, I’ve got this.” I say all too often. Sometimes He lets me have control of all the plates I want to juggle and I’ll promptly let them crash to the ground and go back to Him with my tail tucked between my legs and say, “Um, I’m sorry for thinking I could do your job.” and He always forgives me, taking the reins back so very gently.  Thank goodness.

A friend of mine recently posted on Facebook, ” ‘This age (insert age of child here) is SO difficult’ said every parent ever because children are hard. They challenge parents and push us to the brink so often.  But I’m fairly certain that God was the first one to use that phrase with us… as the ultimate parent, He has had to watch and walk us through so many things, letting us stumble and fall and get back up and dust ourselves off, only to admit that He was right.

How many times have I chosen to take all of my life’s circumstances and, without saying it out loud, declared, “All of these troubles and fears and worries and struggles? I’ve got them. I’ll take care of them, God… You go take a break. I know what I’m doing.” only to realize that the ONLY way I can get through any of it is to fully entrust them to His care by handing them over to Him.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” –1Peter 5:7

To “cast” means to “throw something in a specified direction”.  When we throw something, it is no longer connected to us. It is out of our grasp and no longer something we are attached to. So when we throw all our anxiety on GOD, we are giving Him authority and control over those things that make us anxious; we’re giving Him ownership to do with them what He wants and declaring that we are no longer going to allow them to make us weary with burden. We are FREE from them.  FREE!  And He wants to carry all of those burdens and sort them out “just so” because He cares for us.

That is an intense, powerful care, my friend.  That “care” is rooted in the deepest, purest, most holy LOVE that only God can give. How many of us can say that we want to, or even can be the sole carriers of our friends’ burdens? We often desire to share one another’s burdens, but carry them 100%?  We can’t.  BUT HE CAN.  Hallelujah!

I am so glad I have a relationship with this caring, burden-taking, fully in control, abounding in love God, thanks to Jesus, His Son. I am confident that without it, the road we’re on as a family with Phoebe and the unknowns of what lies ahead would be too much to bear. But we don’t have to because He is already there and has it totally. under. control.


2 thoughts on “Confessions of a Control Freak as Life Spins Out of Control

  1. prayingformyrainbow says:

    continuing to pray for you my friend. Let God take the reigns. May His hand guide the doctors so that there can be complete healing for all.

    Liked by 1 person

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